Fade away

I like how you keep saying fade away throughout the "poem" its way cool.
keep writing.

This made me think of my ex...
Oh boy here come the tears..
Good poem though.... *sniffle*

wonderfully portrayed
i can really relate to this poem too
overall five stars <3

The flow was very good.You have a couple of typos here. Eg, I'm presuming there should be a "have" in the first line.

I'd change the second line. I think it's a bit vague, and a bit cliche, and I'm not sure that it really goes with the rhythm. The same goes for the next line. What didn't the speaker have a clue about?

The second stanza is good. It flows very well, and I like the way it sounds.
I'd scrap the third verse, as you don't really need it, given that you've already talked about fading away, and to be honest, the repetition began to irk me.

The fourth stanza is also a bit cliche, and I'd try to think of something else to say rather than "fade away".

The rhythm in the fifth stanza is good. It flows well, and it's fine in and of itself.

I think I'd change "fighting over" to "fighting for" so you're not repeating "over". Also, I think it sounds better in the verse.

I'd get rid of the next verse. Your rhythm is out, and you don't really need this. It might help to read this aloud so you can get a better sense of how it sounds and should sound.
"
Sholder" was a typo...

I'm not sure about the repetition at the end. I think that if you introduced some fresh sentiments or phrasing, the poem would linger on more.

I'm not a musician and I don't write songs, but I feel that, despite what's been said, this would work better as a song than as a poem. If I look at it as a song, I can appreciate it far more, and think that, with slight alterations, it would be fine.

If you want this is a poem, I think that you need a different approach. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't sound "stupid" at all. You handled the rhyming well, and the flow is, for the most part, very good. I would suggest showing me rather than telling me, and looking a little deeper. Let me see....maybe a bit of brainstorming is in order. What I'd suggest is making lists to get you going. Why is he not worth crying over? Don't just write what comes to mind easily. I'd like to see more of an expresison of your hurt, and more imagery. Maybe describe him, and the state in which he's left you. You touch on narrative here, and I think you handle it well, so maybe you could try telling a story through your poem. Try to avoid cliches like "fade away" "offer you a shoulder" "just a phase" "messing with my head."

Finally, write from your gut, not your head. This will come in time and it will take years to find your voice, so please don't get discouraged. You have a good sense of rhythm and flow and this is half the battle, and will really stand to you. Try seeing what you're writing, then try making your readers see it. This kind of theme can be tricky because it's been done so much and it can be hard to make it your own, because the sentiments you've expressed, such as having your head messed with, are common, and a lot of people feel that way. That's why you need to go a little deeper, and come at things from a different angle.

I know this all sounds very negative so please please please don't get discouraged. This is not a bad attempt by any means and you seem to have a knack for how poetry should sound. Just look at the way in which you say what you say and make it yours.

I hope this helps.

Jas.

There were a few grammatical mistakes, but other than that, it was really good.

this is good. i like the repeated verses for it being some form of poetry it stands out to me. keep writing good pieces.

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[[abigail elizabeth]]

It's beautiful and descriptive and...*is at a loss for words*

Oh my god you got me to shut up!!!!!

joking!!

~Star

Awesome! Loved it! Bravo! Like gothgirl said, very emotional!

Wow Very emotional but good. I am being a true critque here I hope i am not being offenses or anything. I don't mean to if you take critisism that way. Let me get to the point here the poem is great but some parts are a little off. i mean by a little off is the ryhme scheme because you have one good end rhyme going to a different endings that don't rhyme anymore. So hope you don't get offended. Just trying to help.
Well good luck to you.

As FalingIntoAbyss said, there's a few mistakes. It made me stumble slightly reading it.

"Sometimes I wish
he's answer his phone."

*He'd. He's would mean "he is/was".

The ending was short and sweet, with getting over him. I like it.

This really does seem like lyrics. Again, as FallingIntoAbyss said, lyrics are poetry sung.

All in all, there were a couple mistakes with the grammar such as what I mentioned, but I rather like it.

SeraphTree wrote:This should probably be in poetry

*moved to Lyric Poetry*

Yeah, I'll PM someone who can move this to the Poetry Forums...

It will be much happier there.

~Azila~

This should probably be in poetry